2008-07-02 / 3:23 p.m.open letter
i'm trying to get back on a regular sleep schedule, but damn, when 8 a.m. roles around goddammit if i'm not knee deep in REM sleep. really. i have always been a person that prefers the night to the day. i mean, i love prolonging those moments right before sleep, when your eyelids flutter, deciding whether they want to watch another episode of northern exposure, or fall asleep to dream of being carried up the stairs by chris stevens, the eternally esoteric kbehr dj. oh, that dream is blissful.
either way, i've been going to sleep at about 3 a.m. on average. if i try to force myself to go to bed earlier, even 1 a.m., i find myself staring at the ceiling, trying to ignore andy's persistent snoring, wishing, praying, and hoping that i had a hit of xanax. or soma, or whatever it is that makes people fall asleep. i usually take benadryl, but it only works if my body has been worn out properly throughout the day by a vigorous workout.
andy and i have been playing tennis lately. he doesn't suck as bad as he used to, and i tire out a bit earlier than he does. it works out in the end. i usually win the first set 6-1, i'll beat him 6-4 in the second set, and then he beats me rather quickly in the last match. borestorm, sorry.
anyway, i'm hungover. ha. middle name.
i'm trying to really get off lexapro now. i'm on 2.5 mg every other day and feeling a little bit of the ssri withdrawal. however, i've been feeling more alive than i have in 3-4 years, which is frightening and...the sensory deprivation is bizarre. all of a sudden, my arms are feeling more, by body in general, it's just so much more sensitive to touch. i'm not used to it. sex feels better too.
i know that several of you have gone through severe ssri withdrawal. i'm bound and determined to get off of lexapro now though, so if you could share your coping mechanisms, and ways to "bring yourself down" to avoid panic attacks, i'd greatly appreciate it. i don't feel quite so depressed anymore, it's just the anxiety that's been beating down my door over the past few weeks.
so there you have it.
i need gatorade.
it's like 193 degrees today. rain already, please...
sincerely,
bb
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